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But the lack of sex was getting to me, and as all women know, even a vibrator can only provide so much comfort.I began to fantasize, and for some reason those fantasies always seemed to centre around black movie stars—Denzel Washington, Will Smith, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Mekhi Phifer. Gradually, the fantasies developed into more of an obsession. It seemed that every time I used my vibe, it was to the thought of one of my black heroes pounding away inside me.For a while, of course, that's all it was. But as Bobby became more abusive, particularly after a night of heavy drinking, I found myself escaping by replacing the unattainable movie stars I fantasized about, with the black strangers I saw all around me in real life.My obsession grew to the point where in my mind, I practically undressed every black man I saw. I fantasized about them fucking me anywhere, anyplace, anytime. I guess part of it was that my husband didn't want me anymore; he liked to hit me, so my head told me I deserved. 'S why I like the anuut. Pretty neutral when it comes to color. Anuut and specially processed soap fat are the main ingredients I use, but I skip the fat if its not fresh. You don't want to use anything that's likely to turn before it washes out or dissolves away. Done a few like that early on, and wasn't too happy with the results — me or my canvas. The soap fat is hard to come by too, least ways the specially processed stuff is. Not much call for it and not too many what know how to make it right."I spent the next six weeks first watching, then assisting, as this drunken net mender taught me the art of tattooing. I learned to blend pigments and alcohol, process soap fat, and finally, make my own inks.I built my own 'hammers' as Samaroc called them. The simplest of these were simply small pieces of wood with needles fastened to the ends of them. The more complex hammers were flexible pieces of bamboo with custom grips and 'tap plates', the places where you struck the hammer to make.
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